


Going Home Again

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Gen, Letters, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 07:18:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5904700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unsent letters. Spoilers to Redux II.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Home Again

To Whom It May–

To My–

Dear Mr. Mulder–

Dear Fox.

Dear Fox this letter will never be sent but I’ll write it anyway,  
because maybe one day you’ll understand. He said I had to see you and  
talk to you, that there were Very Important Reasons today would be the  
day.

You look so young to be so very unhappy. Not so very long after our  
meeting, I used His Connections to find out more about you, now that  
you’re real again. I found out about your partner woman, and that she  
was very very sick and dying, and that you’d been together so long. Fox  
I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. How terrible to lose so many things so  
quickly. Of course, she didn’t die, and I wasn’t yours. But Fox– He  
kept His word. He always does.

You have to understand I couldn’t help but to grow up to forget. I’m  
not brave. I just want to be happy and I can’t remember and be happy at  
the same time. I know you know that.

But because I saw you again, this time is different. Forgive and Forget  
is what He says. He means Forget and Forget, but I love Him so that I  
won’t call him on it. You’re Real again. Real. In my world, it’s a joke  
of mine. There are a lot of things that are only Make-Believe.

Make-Believe.

Make-Believe your name is Samantha and you’re an orphan from an  
enchanted kingdom. That you’re a princess hidden away because it wasn’t  
safe. That you’ll reclaim Your Proper Position someday. Do you  
understand a little better now?

Make-Believe you have Those Terrible Nightmares at night with the light  
and the men and the screaming and arguing. I had those nightmares as a  
little girl before He taught me that to get rid of Those Terrible  
Nightmares, you must Forgive and Forget. I was so glad when they  
stopped coming, because they made me cry and cry and didn’t help me at  
all. Not one teeny itty-bitty bit.

I have three children, you didn’t know that. They don’t have Those  
Terrible Nightmares. I made sure they wouldn’t. They don’t know I have  
them. Do you want to know what I named them? The oldest is Peter  
Junior, like his father. The next is my only daughter, Ashley Jean, and  
then there’s the youngest, Randolph Fox. We call him Randy, and I  
pretended that he was like you come back to life.

Randy, Ashley, and Peter Junior live in a Safe Today World, and He promised  
me they’d always be safe. I love Him, Fox, he’s the only one I know  
who’s kept all his promises to me.

I have a secret. After you left and I told you I didn’t want to see you  
again, I was telling a fib. I wanted to see you and Mom, too, but I was  
so afraid of Dangerous Complications and Those Terrible Nightmares I  
bit my tongue and told a million lies. But I wanted to see you so  
terribly and so I looked you up on the computer. My husband works in  
the industry, he taught me how. It was very easy, because you’re an FBI  
agent.

I started to watch you. You live in Alexandria or maybe it’s Arlington,  
anyway. Virginia, very close to your Very Important Job. You’re just  
like Him; it’s always your Very Important Job. I think that’s why I  
still like you, Fox. You’re so much like Him it’s scary. You’re always  
working and you don’t like to let your love show.

I like that I’m the one you love, but that’s not as true as it was,  
isn’t that so? Because you ignored your Very Important Job right after  
I saw you because of your partner. I sneaked in and saw her while she  
was sleeping, right after the doctors said she wasn’t going to die.  
Because she was your– well, I don’t know. I would have asked Him about  
her, but He’s disappeared. Do you know where He’s gone? I’m afraid He’s  
hurt or sick. I worry He’ll get cancer. Like your partner.

Your partner is very beautiful. I’m not very smart, Fox, not like you  
or Him or your partner. But I know some things about you. You ought to  
love her. Life doesn’t last very long, and if you let your Very  
Important Job be the most important, you WILL be exactly like Him, and  
you said that you HATED Him. So I thought, as a good sister, I should  
tell you that you’re like Him. I think He loved Our Mother. I know you  
love her. I know because I watched you after she left the hospital and  
you hovered. You’re very like Him, because He likes to treat women like  
Ladies. I think it’s very gentlemanly of you.

By the way, if you’re scared about anything else, she loves you back.

I’m afraid of what you mean in my life, coming back like this! I live  
in Norfolk, you understand, and it’s a long drive to Washington. But I  
want to see you. I want to talk to you and ask Too Many Questions. All  
my life, I’ve asked Too Many Questions. No one ever gives me answers. I  
think you would.

No. No no no no. I know you would and then you would ask ME Too Many  
Questions. I’m not smart! I’m not very brave, either. I am simply a  
homemaker in Norfolk who has Terrible Nightmares and is obsessed with  
an FBI agent who may be her long-lost brother. Maybe I need to see a  
psychologist.

I can just see that– Doctor, my name is Samantha. When I was eight  
years old, something very strange happened to me. I fell asleep in one  
house and woke up in another. No one will tell me what happened, and I  
thought maybe I Imagined the Whole Thing, but then He came– He’s my  
father, or at least He says so– and said that we were going to meet my  
brother. And my brother is thirty-five years old and he’s been looking  
for me since I was eight and he was twelve. And he’s lived in a world of  
shadows and conspiracies and he’s probably crazy. Now, this is all  
his problem, except now I’m obsessed with him. And my Father has  
disappeared. And–

I have to stop writing this. If the kids or my husband saw it, Fox,  
they’d be very upset about it. I’m very upset about it. But I want to  
tell you, One Day, I’ll be brave enough to come and talk to you. I  
couldn’t think of a lot to say that First Time, and I was so afraid of  
you and Those Terrible Nightmares. I had to try very hard to Forgive  
and Forget so that I could get the kids off to school on time. But I  
can’t Forgive or Forget any more.

I can’t even Make-Believe any more. I can’t think I’m Princess Samantha  
of Camelot anymore. I think that I’m Samantha Abducted. Samantha  
Abducted by unfaithful retainers, Samantha Abducted because of Very  
Important Jobs and His Connections.

Fox, you’ve forced me to wake up from a sleep that’s lasted twenty-five  
years. You’re not the Prince Charming who was supposed to arrive. You  
didn’t arrive with Love’s First Kiss or anything. You arrived, sad and  
alone, crying because He thought that seeing me would bring you back to  
life.

I’m Real again because of you. Before I was only Make-Believe. Before I  
lived in a gingerbread house with the miller and the children. Fox!

Fox!

I didn’t want to be Real! I didn’t ever want My Proper Position! Fox!  
You woke me up and I’m awake in a world that I don’t even know. Why did  
you do this to me? Why did He do this to me? Why couldn’t you just let  
me go and leave me alone?

I can’t go home again. None of us can, even if Dad were alive and we  
were all willing. Even if we went back, it would be different. None of  
us can recapture what we’ve lost. You need to learn to Forgive and  
Forget the Past. Love your partner-woman. Have children, and try to be  
happy. I don’t want to think that you’re sad. We can all Make-Believe–

Fox–

Anyway. That’s all. I’m going to try to Forgive and Forget, and maybe  
He’ll come back soon, and I can make a New Year’s Resolution to call  
you up on the telephone and just say hi how are you I’m fine bye. Merry  
Christmas Fox. I love you.

Your Sister,

Samantha.

The End

 


End file.
